my dear friend alexxus wanted to write something for today, and this is what she said.
"I wish to God I had asked for help sooner. I wish to God I could’ve healed sooner. But then again, I think I’m still healing. I’m still learning what it takes to breathe again. The process, it aches.
When I think of the torment I put my body through, I cringe, I get anxious, I cry, and I become numb. Over and over again like a merry-go-round, my childhood refusing to let me go, refusing to let me get off, and I become dizzy thinking about it all. But when I think of the torment my heart and mind went through, the torture my soul endured, I can’t feel anything. All I know is I’m falling, darker and faster and darker and faster. But then, isn’t that a new kind of self-harm?
Forgiveness isn’t easy. But then, when I hold the weights in my hands, I’m uneven and lopsided, falling over and stumbling, because self-forgiveness is the real bitch. Long ago I stopped blaming myself for the things that were out of my control, but it’s hard to acknowledge the things that were within your control. I stayed hidden in the shadows. I somehow, along the crooked path, fell in love with my sorrow. And like an old flame, I still sometimes slip back into its dark and brooding arms. That is within my control. That is something I wish I could let go of.
The truth is, I find myself burdened more by the implications of what I went through rather than the actual thing itself. I can get over the blood, sweat, and tears, but I can’t seem to get past the way it haunts me today and the mark it leaves for everyone to see.
But I’m learning that self-forgiveness, while hard and at times, seemingly impossible, is found in community. A community like this. No judgment, and not even any answers necessarily, but a hope and a comfort found in a group of people who understand and can walk beside you. Don’t get me wrong – the care and support from loved ones who don’t necessarily understand in the sense of relation is precious and a gift and a blessing. But there’s something special about a community of people just like you, offering love and support, even when they themselves are struggling as well.
One day I hope I’ll be completely whole. The process, it aches. But the process, it also heals. I will heal. I will forgive myself. One day."
15 more days. i love you all, have a wonderful thursday. love, jocee.